Kids? Friends? Faith.

The past few weeks have been so...odd. I feel odd at least. Like there is something terribly wrong with me. It feels like everyone I know is having kids. I get the incessant question of "So next comes kids, right?" or "So when are you two having babies?" I feel this enormous pressure that I need to become a mom because that is the end all be all of being a wife. Don't get me wrong, I want kids, very much. I just don't feel that is what God has for me and Bradney right now. I don't feel ready but and no matter how much I try to have peace in that I feel like society has deemed me an old maid. As if the longer I wait the less of a woman I become. I grew up with the pressure from the culture I was in to get married young and have as many children as possible and my life would be fulfilled. Its as if when I chose to go to college I suddenly was no longer deemed a good Christian girl. I became selfish or there was something inherently wrong with me because I got an education and became too old. I feel, almost, as if I missed the point of being a woman. I want kids. I want to be a stay at home mom. I desire all those things but I desire to be educated so I could help others in need. I know I don't need an education for that and I in no way want to condemn any women who got married young and had children young. I think that is a beautiful thing to be a mom. I just don't think it should be expected of every homeschool girl. Sometimes God gives us desires, good desires, but ones that don't meet the expectations of the world around us. I feel like I failed at being a good godly woman because I haven't fulfilled my life by becoming a mother. I know this to be untrue but I nevertheless beat myself up for feeling as if it is at times. I struggle with trusting God in this due to the concrete reminders on facebook, through friends, strangers it just seems to be in the for front of my mind lately....a constant work in progress is what I am.

It feels as though friends who are having kids move to this sort of acceptable tier in Christian Society and all of a sudden in a few hours time we are a world away from each other. Not meaning to and desperately trying to hold on, it feels as though we can no longer relate and all of a sudden they become close to other pregnant women or women with new borns. I suppose that is just how life is, and as it should be...It just seems...odd to me. It's kind of like when one gets married I guess. I felt like the same person when I got married relatively speaking but all my single friends reminded(still do sometimes) that I am married and I don't get the whole being single thing...I do though...I was there til I was 25 and I know it is a difficult struggle daily at times. At the moment I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to life.

I feel so busy with school, newly married, and with family, yet I miss friendships. I try to hold on but lack of time on my part and often theirs as well...I just feel like it is a losing battle. People change, move on, make new friends...it is what life is about. It doesn't make it easy though. I keep holding onto Jeremiah 29:11-13 though: For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹²'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

It is a comfort when I feel like I am wading through the fog with absolutely no direction as to where to go next. That is when faith is most required. I have to search for my Christ, with all I am that is the only way to feel any sort of peace and comfort....

Bradney and I started attending a new church that we love and are beginning to get involved. I love it. The people are awesome. The preaching is awesome. The worship is awesome. I am so blessed and renewed on Sundays yet sometimes its difficult when the little reminders of being newbies creep in. I know this stuff takes time and I am excited to get to know new people but I don't want to loose old friends either...Yet another work in progress I suppose.

Life is never easy I know. Most people in the world face so many more struggles than I could ever imagine. I feel stupid in some ways for struggling over things this minute. It's just stuff that has been on my mind lately.

Corinne Bradney (Martinez)

Corinne Bradney (Martinez): "

I am a graduate student, a mommie to a fat Calico cat named Yoda(a girl kitty), a Music Librarian, World Vision Volunteer, and new wife to Christopher Bradney, my other half and love of my life.

"

More Beautiful You

More Beautiful You Lyrics

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Jonny Diaz: More Beautiful You

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed awayBy the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

Song for my Love

Smile lyrics
Songwriters: Bose, Jeremy; Daly, Blair; Harding, J; Shafer, Matthew;

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip side
Of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to whereYou send me, lets me know that it's okay
Yeah, it's okay
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
Even when you're gone,
Somehow you come along just like
A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain, and just like that

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my headSpin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a beeJust the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

I think....

I think...

life should never be so busy that you forget how to live. I have been doing that at moments lately and I hate it. No Master's degree or amount of work is worth not enjoying the life God gave you.

being in love is a beautiful thing but if you haven't found your love yet, you shouldn't be broken by it but remember that God's timing is so much better than ours. Cause when it does come it is more precious than any mediocre relationship could ever have been. So for now fill your time with serving Jesus. It helps the loneliness. I know it does. It helped me whenever I felt lonely.

beauty is found in the face of a elderly weathered person with the story of their lives written in every smile line and tear of the past. I think it is also found in the face of a child who has nothing but their sweet face to offer the world.

elephants are one of the most amazing animals God ever made. I love them and eventually want to have one of my own. :D

that it is NOT a sin to converse with God if you are upset and don't understand why He chose a different route than we had hoped for. In fact, He waits for us to talk to Him about life whether it be joyful or frustrating in hopes that in the end we will see He has a purpose.

judging people on how good their life looks and treating them better when they look acceptable to us is wrong. It's not our place to judge how good a Christian a person is or isn't by what you see. Jesus didn't do it and we shouldn't either.

Christians should extend love and not sit in a bubble. I grew up in a church bubble. Once you leave it and get out of your comfort zone, Christ becomes more real than ever before. You realize who truly loved you and who just did because you were known in that place. It is sad but the truth is always better than living on pins and needles waiting for someone to see the IMPERFECT sinner you are. I am definitely a sinner but hey I am saved by the Blood of Jesus!

I don't know much about life and I fall short of being who I should be everyday but I love my Jesus. Even though I don't always trust like I should or read my Bible consistently everyday. I still love Him and He loves me...and that blows my mind.

learning how much I have to grow to become a godly transformational servant leader is sometimes discouraging but always worth the lesson cause you can't grow if you don't first see the need to.

that I need to learn to listen to others not just hear them. I am very bad at listening sometimes...I am working on it though.

that I miss seeing friends from college. So many are scattered all over the world now. I miss them all and hope life is treating them well.

I miss feeling a part of a church where it felt like home. God took me out of my old church for good reason but it doesn't mean I don't miss the feeling of belonging. That's probably the hardest part of transitioning. Missing friendships that you know will never be again because you no longer go there. Life changes for the better cause it is all in God's timing and plan but no one ever said it would be easy.

that reading the Harry Potter books are not a sin just like reading Lord of the Rings isn't and people shouldn't judge others who have read them. (I haven't)

that I love people and wish I could be better about smiling at others when I am stressed or don't feel well. I want to display Christ's love, I just fail at it often.

doing the right thing is always better than taking the easy way out. It hurts my heart when people do the easy thing and justify it in their minds. Honoring God is often a much harder and somewhat lonelier route but in the end there is peace and joy in knowing you honored your Savior.

that heaven has to be mind boggling if there can be beauty in the world like I have seen in life. Whether through a picture, or being fortunate enough to witness it with my own eyes. I can't imagine how much more amazing it is going to be.

I am in a random mood so these are random things I have pondered recently. I know I have a finite mind and what I think is not always right or right for another person. It's just what has been on my mind and my heart. Kinda like this song....

Wonderful Maker--Chris Tomlin

You spread out the skies over empty space
Said "let there be light"
Into a dark and formless world Your light
was born

You spread out Your arms over empty hearts
Said "let there be light"
Into a dark and hopeless world Your Son
was born

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent Your only son for You are good

What a wonderful Maker
What a wonderful Savior
How majestic Your whispers
And how humble Your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a Father
How majestic Your whispers
What a wonderful God

No eye has fully seen, how beautiful the cross
And we have only heard
The faintest whispers of how great You are

Life and Love

Wedding stuff is going well. Got's lots still to do but I am so thankful to have most major stuff done.

We recently booked a caterer and the cabin we will be staying at on our honeymoon. Now it is just picking a place for the rehearsal dinner and get minor details. I am excited because our wedding food is going to be very tasty!

Bradney and I began to volunteer at a food bank recently. It has been such an amazing blessing to us both to be able to serve the Lord as we serve those in need. I have met such amazing people and lovely children because of it. I am working with the kids that come with their parents to get food. I have been playing games, doing puzzles, coloring and just talking to them which is awesome. Bradney has been helping distribute and take food to cars for the people. We are so blessed to have a ministry that we can serve in together. Through this ministry I became aware of VBS through Canyon Christian Fellowship. A good friend and I served the Lord as we ministered to 80 children and their families with many others. It was tough because so many come from such very different lives but it was wonderful to see them singing and laughing and having a blast learning about Jesus. Praise the Lord for every person who served. I have never been so blessed and humbled as when I am serving my savior and His beautiful children. I am so thankful for the ability to do so.

Anyway thats about it in life right now. Kinda crazy but so wonderful at the same time.

Sick

I have the stomach flu or some sort of bug that makes me feel gross and disgusting. I am frustrated because I can't work, can't focus on homework, can't go to class. I feel like it is all piling up and all I can do is feel like throwing up. Bleh. I hate the feeling being nauseous. I am sure no one likes it because it is so unpleasant but yea. Anyways it is a beautiful day I just wish I could really enjoy it. Instead I sit inside 7-up and Crackers next to me covered up watching old movies. I mean granted this isn't a terrible thing to do but a bit hard when there is so much else in life to get done. Ok world, stay beautiful so when I do feel better I can come out and play. :)