A Thanksgiving Fest

Well this weekend was wonderful. Family came over and friends from everywhere. I got to bake, cook, relax, laugh and love with all I had in me. I spent Black Friday morning shopping hand in hand with my other half and enjoying the company of my good friend Jeffe. Then Jeffe had to go home :( but me and Bradney continued on to Menifee with Gingerbread latte in hand to walk around Best Buy and Target. My family met us and we all got new phones too lol (If you don't have my new number it is (626) 392-6930) then we went home put a fire on and watched Christmas movies with my cousin (well I kinda did as homework was sucking up most of my attention. Saturday was staying home, decorating, studying, and making Pumpkin Cheesecake! I picked my own Pumpkin from Oak Glen and after it had it's time of displaying its beauty my Cinderella Pumpkin was turned into our tasty dessert. It turned out wonderful! It poured this day and was freezing but little did we know it snowed too! We ventured to Target for sticky notes for studying and there was a light layer of snow! It was perfect. So we came home and put a fire on, did homework, put on Santa Clause is Coming to Town and baked. It was such a blessed Saturday. Sunday was spent Christmas Shopping and Studying ending with a little Pumpkin Frozen Yogurt and a couple of cups of amazingness called Winter Dream Latte and Peppermint Dark Hot Chocolate from Coffee Bean. Overall it was a busy busy weekend full of family, fun, food, shopping and homework(bleh on this). I hope everyone had a great weekend like I did. God is soooo good. Praise the Lord for all the things He blessed me with to be thankful for.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD! Psalm 150:6

Learning much...but knowing little

Disclaimer: This post is not grammatically correct. In fact, I probably completely butcher grammar all together but it is what is on my heart, in my mind, it just is what it is so read please un-judging of the horrible grammatical mess that it is lol. It is cheesy at times so beware. :0P

I just started two new classes for my Master's program. When I started the MAOL program I was told by so many that it forces you to examine and find who you are. It's funny when you hear people say things like this..well at least for me...I think "well I know myself pretty well. I am an odd dysfunctional heart who wants to help everyone and everything but fails completely and utterly most times." Well apparently I was wrong. I don't know myself like I thought I did. Or maybe I do and just don't want to give in to realizing I have much more to learn in life than I ever believed before. This beautiful and stunning gift of life that God gives is tainted by flesh and yet God still sees me as worth His, love, mercy and blessings. Crazy I tell ya'. God you're perfect and well...I am not...so you blow my mind when you still choose to love me...but I thank you for your mind blowing tendencies.

My Wednesday night class is Servant Leadership. It's amazing how I was so ignorant to what Servant leadership entails... I have so much to learn. I realize how I need to work on being selfless and understanding towards others even when I don't always agree with what they do. I am not there to judge. Just to share Christ through my actions and words. I learned how leadership is influence and how it is of the utmost importance as a Christian leader to lead as a Servant Leader, our Master and Savior and as a result His creation is blessed with being served. Serving others is a result of serving my Savior. I often loose sight of that. I admit the fact that I love to serve and forget to put into perspective the actual one I am serving. I see that Christ is patient with me in learning this...and sometimes relearning it, and how I am the one that takes advantage of His love and patience....and for that, Lord, I am sorry. Truly sorry for loosing sight of who you are and who I am and why I exist. I exist to serve you, love you, worship and adore you and I am forever grateful for the privilege... I just pray you will give me strength to keep you as my focus in life.

My Weekend class is Group and Conflict. Boy oh Boy.... I always knew I was a passive person but reading for this class and discussing I realize how passive I really am...to a fault. I often do not want to face conflict because I am afraid of loosing friends...love.... among other things. For this I have blown up issues into something bigger because I was afraid to confront a problem. I hate this about myself but I don't know how to change when I am in the midst of it. I am working on it but this weekend showed me how if I choose to let something go I need to completely forget and forgive and leave it to the past. I often don't do that. I choose to leave it but I don't always forget what happened and often the person doesn't even know what they did... I have so much to work on. So much to change. I learned this is the unhealthy way to work through conflict... I need to learn to talk through things and be patient and loving and...well a servant to the other person or persons. I have to swallow my prideful stupidity and see that they probably have much more wisdom and insight than I and I hold just as much or more than the other group when it comes to fault. I am ashamed of who I am and am willing to begin to change it but at the moment I don't know where to start.

I stress too much and am always tired because I lack sleep more often than not and when I am tired and stressed, joy does not abound...that's the other realization I conjured up from the back of my finite mind. I say I am trusting in God and that He is in control, but through my stressing... worrying... I am not living what I am saying. This is a huge problem seeing as we as Christians are supposed to be living the life of a Christ follower and look at the utter failure I am in this life...

My Joy comes from the Lord whether it be with a feeling of peace... or through the brief moment I stop to look at His majestic creation in a stunning butterfly...or whether I see into the eyes of a smiling dirty faced child as they look at me, perhaps having nothing, but still so happy with what they know to be their world.

I hurt for the whole world. That sounds silly, I know, but I do. If there is a hurt, sick, or needy person or a hurt or dead animal... My heart hurts.....that is odd... I realize I have issues but I pray for random people or animals when I see someone or something hurting.... I never tell people that but I realize I am somewhat ashamed that I feel for so many things in the world but I do. I need to just understand that God made me odd like that lol...kinda loving God's creation no matter how big or small. I don't know if that is wrong or right....but I don't think God would have given me something that big for a bad reason...

I also learned in the recent past that I hate gossip and listening to conversations that make Christians look...well...like we are not Christ followers in the eyes of the world... I have had to be around some conversations for work purposes that I hear conversations and have to pray that God blocks them from my mind so I don't dwell on things that I don't feel I need to. I am not saying I don't do this myself because I know I have had my share of a big mouth..this is also not a stab at any one person or group...it just makes me realize how important it is for me, as a Christ follower, to live my life out in WORD and deed to the glory of God. I need to work on what I say, how I say it, what I do...no it's not for people to look approvingly on all I do or say. It is so that I shine Christ whenever possible. No I will never please everyone but I should live to please God and we as Christians (Myself included) sometimes think it's cool or right now adays to talk like the world and be accepting of the world and it's not. I know from God's word it's not but I do it because I want to fit in, I want to not be criticized and Lord for that I am so so so sorry that I am such a coward when it comes to honoring you with my words, what I do, and standing up for what is right when it comes to You.

So this is my self realization...I start now to change who I am in order to fully serve my Master. I am going to fail utterly in these areas many a times, I know, but I will press on... growing in the grace and knowledge of my God. I will acknowledge my failures and keep hope in my Savior that I can get up and keep running the race with all my might reaching for my God; sharing God's grace, serving Him through serving others, and living for Him alone.

Lord Please...

Ugh...Presentation today. Please Lord give me strength to do well....and not screw it up for my teammates...

Homework, Aspens, and Poweroutages

Phew, what a week....what a term for that matter. Several hours of coffee shops, and a couple of anxiety filled days later. I finished 2 papers and one huge presentations.... now for one more this week and just to hand everything in...

This week has held it's share of crying fests, not thinking I could pull through it... wanting to quit at every turn, one perfectly timed black out ( I still think God did it just for me so I could get my homework done and still have a few hours of sleep) and several prayers of "please God I can't handle anymore" He pulled me through it. I lack faith so often and yet He still shows me He is bigger in every way than I. So much more forgiving, loving, merciful. I look in awe like a wide eyed child in a toy store window seeing his first model train... I love my God... with all I am and yet I can't seem to trust Him with the simplicity of school work or where I might lay my head that night. Why God? Why love me? Lowly, sinful, full of stupidity and forgetfulness. I see you in everything and yet the next split second I forget that you are there. I am weak and yet you make me strong when I least deserve it. All I can say is...Thank you....for loving me beyond my weakness...for saving me in spite of myself. For providing people who remind me of what true beauty is and how my freak outs over school work, money, and not having a place to stay sometimes is really nothing cause I possess so much more than the world.

I went to the mountains today, Idyllwild to be exact. I saw all the brilliant fall colors dance in the cool breeze and I could do nothing but stare at the sheer beauty of the vastness that laid before me. I held the hand of my gift from God and together we commented on how amazingly beautiful it all was. God is remarkable for allowing the beauty of a simply Aspen leaf turning yellow capture my flawed mind and heart. California may be full of people, traffic filled, and drive me slightly crazy at times but it has its stunning moments. The "Wow God" moments that make me wonder how heaven could be any more beautiful than what God had placed before my eyes. I am blessed to have a home, be loved, and be saved. Love? Do you see the love of God? I don't always pay attention but its there. In the stunning heights of a redwood, the perfectly grey bushy tail of a chubby squirrel and the sweet aroma of a deep red rose....its there cause God created it just for me...or at least I would like to think so. :)