Phew, what a week....what a term for that matter. Several hours of coffee shops, and a couple of anxiety filled days later. I finished 2 papers and one huge presentations.... now for one more this week and just to hand everything in...
This week has held it's share of crying fests, not thinking I could pull through it... wanting to quit at every turn, one perfectly timed black out ( I still think God did it just for me so I could get my homework done and still have a few hours of sleep) and several prayers of "please God I can't handle anymore" He pulled me through it. I lack faith so often and yet He still shows me He is bigger in every way than I. So much more forgiving, loving, merciful. I look in awe like a wide eyed child in a toy store window seeing his first model train... I love my God... with all I am and yet I can't seem to trust Him with the simplicity of school work or where I might lay my head that night. Why God? Why love me? Lowly, sinful, full of stupidity and forgetfulness. I see you in everything and yet the next split second I forget that you are there. I am weak and yet you make me strong when I least deserve it. All I can say is...Thank you....for loving me beyond my weakness...for saving me in spite of myself. For providing people who remind me of what true beauty is and how my freak outs over school work, money, and not having a place to stay sometimes is really nothing cause I possess so much more than the world.
I went to the mountains today, Idyllwild to be exact. I saw all the brilliant fall colors dance in the cool breeze and I could do nothing but stare at the sheer beauty of the vastness that laid before me. I held the hand of my gift from God and together we commented on how amazingly beautiful it all was. God is remarkable for allowing the beauty of a simply Aspen leaf turning yellow capture my flawed mind and heart. California may be full of people, traffic filled, and drive me slightly crazy at times but it has its stunning moments. The "Wow God" moments that make me wonder how heaven could be any more beautiful than what God had placed before my eyes. I am blessed to have a home, be loved, and be saved. Love? Do you see the love of God? I don't always pay attention but its there. In the stunning heights of a redwood, the perfectly grey bushy tail of a chubby squirrel and the sweet aroma of a deep red rose....its there cause God created it just for me...or at least I would like to think so. :)
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